YT23 | New Year Resolution: How to overcome imposter syndrome and make 2024 your best year yet!

Welcome to the first episode of YanaTV in 2024! In this episode, we have a special guest Karen Leong, who is in the top 1% of keynote speakers globally. We delve into the topics of New Year resolutions, overcoming imposter syndrome, and becoming the best version of yourself in the coming year.

Karen shares insights on breaking down resolutions, embracing small actions for big achievements, and the power of choosing life-changing fears. Discover personal stories, tips for parenting with a growth mindset, and the cultural aspects of imposter syndrome. Relax, reflect, and gain inspiration for a fulfilling year ahead!

Discussion Topics: New Year Resolution

• Introducing Karen Leong: One of the top 1% of keynote speakers globally
• Approaching New Year’s Resolutions: Focus on who you want to be rather than just the goals
• Karen Leong’s Background and Journey of self-discovery
• Cultural Differences and Imposter Syndrome: The impact of societal expectations
• Overcoming Imposter Syndrome: Choosing your fears, and shift your mindset
• Changing the Narrative: Encouraging a growth mindset.
• Parenting and Instilling a Growth Mindset: Intentional parenting to foster a growth mindset
• Imposter Syndrome as a Cultural and Organisational Issue: It’s not just an individual issue
• Closing Remarks

Transcript: New Year Resolution

Yana Fry: Welcome to the first episode of YanaTV in 2024. And today our guest is Karen Leong, who is the managing director at Influence Solutions. And we’re going to talk about fulfilling New Year resolutions, imposter syndrome, how to overcome it, and become the best version of yourself this year. Karen, thank you so much for joining us today.

Karen Leong: Yeah, no, it’s such a pleasure to be here with you today.

Yana Fry: Maybe start with a new year’s resolution since we are just a few days into 2024 at the moment. And it’s a big topic for so many people and many just take the list and try a hundred things they want to do differently this year and do maybe one if they like it and the rest goes in the garbage bin. How can we do it better?

Karen Leong: I think sometimes we approach New Year’s resolutions as a task. But I think it’s always a good time to look within and focus on, Hey, what do we stand for? What do we want the New Year to look like? And how do we want to show up in life? Instead of just focusing on what your aim is, focus on who you want to be and I think it goes to a lot deeper values and just looking at that strength one thing I do is I ask myself, what are the three, three strengths that I want to start showing up more in my life?

Here’s the funny thing, the more we get intentional about putting a flashlight on our inequalities, the more they start sparkling and being and coming out there. So I’m going to invite all of you. Don’t neglect who you are. Don’t just focus on what you want to do. And you’d be amazed who you are is going to drive what you’re going to do and what you’re going to get.

Yana Fry: I love that. I was just a few days ago reflecting on my own things that I want to do in 2024 and my own new year resolution. And I was like, I want to spend more time with the family and I want to be more peaceful and just more relaxed and not rush so much. So maybe a bit better organised, right? So sometimes maybe it’s also not about fundamentally or drastically changing something, but fine tuning what you have.

Karen Leong: What we do is that we tend to stop at the aim level like I want to spend more time with family I want to lose weight. But you know unless we actually break it down to attaching the smallest action, you know You’re not gonna get off the starting line. So I’m gonna encourage all of you, to Think small in order to achieve big.

Yana Fry: I like that. Think small in order to achieve big

Karen Leong: You need to break it down. Say that, Hey, I’m going to, I’m going to have dinner with the family, at least five times a week. Now that’s a small achievable action. And then when you break it down into actions, you also, number one, know that you’re moving towards your goal, but more importantly, the smaller it is it doesn’t feel like a resolution. It feels like just a part of your normal functioning. And that’s all we aim to do is live life that is smoother, more authentic, and, just don’t be so hard on yourself.

Yana Fry: I love that. Everyone, let’s just relax. It’s a year when we are just really gentle to ourselves and love ourselves. I love it. Karen. If you would, it’s about you. So you were born in Singapore, right? Born and grew up here. So made in Singapore.

Karen Leong: Made and nurtured in Singapore?

Yana Fry: How have you been when you were a Vulnerable teenager, let’s say? What were the dreams?

Karen Leong: Wow that takes me back to the way back. Coming from a middle class conservative family, my mom was the breadwinner. In fact, she was a shy secretary, then became a homemaker, and then became an insurance agent just to support the family. The three of us. So who I was, I was an awkward teenager.

Just really shy and always thinking that I wanted to be more like I could be more. So I think it was really finding my way a lot. from young. And In fact I was always trying different personas because I was still figuring out what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be. I literally in fact, experimented with, being more likeable, trying to be more assertive, making friends.

It was literally a 20 year journey. So maybe that culminated in me writing the book on influence. To figure out how to win people over? And so my book is actually really focused on Asian audiences because sometimes we have our own perceptions that hold us back.

Yana Fry: Let’s dive a bit deeper into that. So what do you feel maybe is the difference if you look at the Asian audience or in the Western audience when it comes to stepping forward and actually being yourself?

Karen Leong: I Think Coming from a traditional Asian family, where you know, parents really focus on wanting you to be better educated, to be able to achieve more, because meritocracy, especially in my family, was really important to get that step up in life.

So we had lots and lots of expectations that were placed on us. And I think trying to narrow the expectation gap was always something that was within me like I felt I always was, I wanted to do more. I was capable of more. I needed to do more. So I think that also set up a dynamic where I was always just trying to do more and more.

It’s probably never enough. But you know that overachieving mentality. It became fuel. For me, because it really helped me to push boundaries, to start my audit and consulting career, then leave everything and move over to Europe to do non-profit work to find myself and then come back and move into the speaking and training business.

But then I realised that there is a cost because you never think you’re good enough. And there is a lot of stress that we have to deal with because you, you use that not good enough as a way to keep pushing boundaries.

I think a lot of cultures that focus on striving to get better. I’m probably the universal human thing because human beings are all creatures of progress and change. But then how do we deal with what’s happening now? The burnt out pandemic, the Imposter syndrome pandemic, the, where people are just literally feeling overwhelmed. ow can we go the distance?

Yana Fry: Let’s talk about imposter syndrome. What is imposter syndrome?

Karen Leong: imposter first came out in the 1978 article. It was titled Imposter Syndrome in High Achieving Women. Which is the fear of feeling of fraud, if you are in a high achieving position, but you actually feel a sense of anxiety, you feel a sense of not being good enough. That’s that psychological state, that gap, that lets you feel more anxious. More, maybe depressed, more not on top of things, even though you are in a high achieving state.

Yana Fry: Any personal stories you would share with us because I’m sure we all have it. Let me start. Okay. Let me be the first one. I just remember, I think when I was 27, I was 27 years old.

When I came to Singapore, he and my tall blue eyes, blonde, woman who at the time, Was doing life coaching, and I just remember walking around and people were looking at me and also saying no one is going to listen to you, first of all, because you’re competing with priests, right?

So who is going to come and talk to you? And it was very interesting. Just going to those companies and working with people and also just socially looking at people around me and Singapore. It’s a very privileged society. It’s especially foreigners, like expatriates that come here usually would go to universities or maybe come from a family of generational wealth or diplomats, wives or husbands.

And so it was very interesting for me, I remember just going to those events and feeling I so didn’t belong to this group of people and it was even awkward to have conversations when people would approach and start saying something and I just remember I have to really think to make sure I don’t say anything stupid, I sound smart enough and so I can also sound like I can belong in this type of environment.

And I just remember, I think it took me, I don’t 15 years to just relax and it is very funny because now these people, they’re friends, clients, students, partners, and it’s like an entirely different conversation, but when I just look back, I love a little bit this compassion, that my younger self who was just very confused, especially around the imposter syndrome.

I resonate so much with your story as well. I think one of the biggest realisations I had was when I was starting my audit career with one of the big four accounting firms, and I was young and dealing with clients that are far older, far wiser. I was always trying to look older. I would wear old style jackets with big earrings and bun up my hair.

Karen Leong: But I always felt that, I was too young, too female, too, I had less experience. But, interestingly, moving along the way, when I left the audit profession, and in fact, I started coaching audit partners. That’s when I realised people at the other end, they suffer with immense insecurities themselves.

So again, I’ve always focused on the external. I’ve focused on their profiles, their titles. But when we shift from looking at the external, To the internal and you realise we have all the same desires, the same fears, the same insecurities. That’s when I realised that, a lot of these, suppose it is older, more experienced people, they look to the younger people because there is more energy, there is more creativity.

And now, as I coach a lot of CEOs they are also looking at their much younger executives because they are digital natives. They are faster, they are more agile. So my message is that no matter where you are, your supposed weakness can be flipped into an incredible strength.

Yana Fry: Absolutely. I love that. It’s exactly actually how I felt eventually. Everything I thought was my weakness is that I look differently. I don’t have the same type of education people have here. I come from a humble background, like I’m not from the generational wealth and all of those things which made me feel inadequate.

Becoming my greatest strength because of all these people, what you said, becoming clients and students because they want to talk to someone who thinks differently. It looks at life differently. And then you don’t compare. You don’t judge, right? Because your mind works in an entirely different way. So actually, it was a funny story that you said about trying to look older.

I did exactly the same. I think it was. I was 30 years old when I had cut my hair very short. And they had a very short haircut for about, I think, seven years. The main reason is because I wanted to be taken more seriously. And I thought because I had a longer sort of sexy hair, I’m like, this is too sexy.

So I’m going to have a very, sleek haircut and I’m going to dress like I’m in the middle forties just to make sure that especially male clients respect me more. And yeah, again, so now if I would look at it. It’s me at that age, I would just say, just work with what’s happening here. It’s more important than anything else that it has nothing to do with how you look.

Karen Leong: absolutely, we should be intentional about flipping our weaknesses because it does not, years of conditioning. We tend to see our weaknesses as weaknesses. But if we’re intentional about it, I could show you a fun story. I received a cold call from, I think, and a financial advisor and he wanted to do something with my insurance. And so I said, okay, why don’t you come on over? And so we had a session and so he turned out to be a really young dude, right?

And when we started talking about his background he shared that, I’m only 29 years old, but that is my strength. I said, why? Cause you know, people would want a more advanced older, more experienced person. He says, because when you are much older, I’m still going to be around.

I’m going to be serving you, the older insurers, they’re going to be retired or passed on. But you know what? He hit a gap I was seeking because my advisors are all getting really either retired or have left the profession. So I was actually looking for somebody who was far younger and who had the energy.

So when you are intentional about flipping your weakness. You are going to turn it into an incredible, visible strength. And people are going to see it, they’re going to feel it, they’re going to resonate with it. So I always tell people, flip the switch, you’ll be amazed at how you’re going to start showing up differently.

Yana Fry: I love that, that actually, I think the very first interview we recorded here in YanaTV studio was with a young woman. If I’m not mistaken, I think around 27 years old and she’s half my height also, right? I was amazed by level of self confidence,

I felt a bit nervous being in the studio. She just showed up here as the guest. She’s like everything is chill. We’re gonna do a great interview She was very well spoken, very prepared and I remember just looking at you And I was like, I wish I had your self confidence when I was 27 And then she told me she is right now running also like her own talk show at escape, you know for younger audience So it’s like an opera for youth type of

Karen Leong: Yes.

Yana Fry: and I’m just amazed,

Karen Leong: Yes, we have been in a bubble of confidence once, and that was when we were born. If we go back to the child that we were, all the kids, they don’t even need to think about whether they’re confident because that is the, that’s the end state.

I’ve got two kids, one is six and one is eight, they are bubbles of confidence. And especially kids that are under the age of seven, that is when you haven’t yet developed critical analysis. When you question yourself, see how you learn to walk, how you push boundaries, kids always ask that one question, how can I do this? How can I do that?

See, how can I be such a powerful question because it assumes you can do it? And the mind is just focused on how. So you are going to be in a very creative, solutions focused state. But sometimes after the age of seven, we question how can I question, because we fall on our faces, and then we start looking inwards, and how can I then start to be replaced by can I? We drop the how.

Yana Fry: Can I do it? Can I still make it work? And when the ratio of how can I and can I starts to tip, when your default question starts being can I, what happens is that you are asking a judgmental question. The answer is yes, I can or no, I cannot. And I think that state puts you into a very self critical mode where you are actually looking inward, no longer looking at the outside.

Karen Leong: But even trying to convince yourself that you are capable, that you can. So I think one of the simplest things to flip the switch is to change the question.

Yana Fry: I love that I can relate, but I’m still not quite sure how to make this flip and this switch. So what would you say, Ever anyone, let’s say, makes it very applicable, anyone can do, just regain self confidence?

Karen Leong: I think, a cousin of self, the lack of self confidence is actually fear. It’s fear of failure, fear of not being accepted. We all suffer from a lot of fears. And, being in this speaking profession, I personally had to deal with a lot of fears, even when I was. It’s just about getting to speak publicly.

I was scared whether people liked me, whether people thought I was smart, whether people would fall asleep. So I realised that all of us are dealing with tremendous fears, but sometimes there, we forget that there is another category of fear of not being the real you, the fear of not making a difference, the fear of not living up to your potential. This basket of fears is what we call the life changing fears. And sometimes, if we shift away from the everyday fears to the life changing fears, these fears would take care of the everyday fears.

So I think. My advice is to choose your fears. No, don’t say you don’t have fears you just acknowledge and say I have all so many fears and then you group them into two groups. And my suggestion is look at the life changing fears. And when you choose life changing fears, these will automatically fade away.

So when I chose to say, I want to make more of a difference, I wanted to maybe be the person that I’m meant to be. And all those people falling asleep, it just paled in comparison, it melted away. So my advice is choose your fears, they will flip your weaknesses.

Yana Fry: This is so beautiful, Karen, and it makes me think if we just roll forward in our mind with our life. And maybe I’m one of those very few people who often think about death. not like in a bad way, in a good way, in a way that I understand is inevitable.

And I understand we are all eventually going to be there. And I just feel that it puts things in perspective in life. So I feel like sometimes if we’re assuming, we’re going to be forever young, or we’re going to have forever unlimited energy than seven years old has, or we’re going to travel all over the world until the hundred, right?

Which is probably highly unrealistic unless in rare cases. And so I feel, if we are just realistic about accepting different stages also in life and that eventually everyone will go, that’s also part of life. And then I’m just sometimes thinking. Okay, so if I’m at the very end of my life and I look back, what kind of regrets would they have, right?

So if I would, would there be regrets about the things I tried and maybe I was scared and some worked, some didn’t, but I did it. And I know that actually I went for this and I did my best. And, the result, sometimes it’s up to, environment and life. It’s not always entirely up to me. I think I’d love how you put it where just imagining what it is like at our deathbed.

Karen Leong: We then get to design the life that we, that truly liberates us and living a life of no regrets gives us the agency to know that we do not need to live a life of apathy. We could do more. We cannot do everything, but we can always do something. And I think one of the biggest, most powerful things we talked about about imposter syndrome is to increase the share of voice.

Because the world needs more people to say, yes, I can write the world needs more people to think that they could apply their strengths and their passions to creating change. So one of my passions is literally to increase people’s view that they can make a difference. And when we can have more people, whether it’s women, men, or people of different, minority types to say, we could take action towards climate change, towards making a difference, towards creating a world where we’re working together, not at cross purposes. Then I think we have a shot. Mankind has a shot. I’m just, when you think bigger, a lot more things are possible.

Yana Fry: If we talk about imposter syndrome, it’s not a woman thing, it’s not a man thing. Recent studies have shown that men are equally impacted by imposter syndrome. It’s just that it’s different. Women are impacted because they feel less competent. Men are impacted because they feel less successful.

Karen Leong: Not good enough. It’s really about society’s yardsticks, that people feel that, hey I’m, there is a gap there. And also secondly is People feel that there’s an imposter syndrome in areas where they’re not the majority. So why we talk a lot about women is that many ballroom today’s are still very much male oriented.

So a woman feels that I actually don’t fit the mould. She tries to fit the mould. But the same, if I’m a minority in terms of race, culture, caste, or class, then I’m also going to be impacted. But the key thing is we all have imposter syndrome in us. It just depends on what flavour it is. So what we’re actually looking at is to realise the seeds of insecurity is a human centred thing.

Maybe that’s our DNA. Maybe it’s used to get the human race to keep moving forward and get less comfortable. So that is what we are born with. That is what has helped our species survive for so many thousands of years. So notice that the imposter syndrome, a sexy name given to an evolutionary thing that we are born with, then we need to think of like, how do we then make it work for us in whatever situation we are currently in?

Because in life, there is no good and no bad. In every situation, there is good and bad, there are opportunities and obstacles. But what we’re telling ourselves is, can you pause the lizard brain of ours just for one second, pause, instead of reacting, let’s become more mindful. So when I say flip the switch, take a pause and be more mindful about looking at, what’s the opportunity in this situation, not let me just not focus on the obstacle.

What’s the strength that I bring to this situation, not just my weakness? And if I look at the other person, what is that person’s insecurity that I can feel compassion for so that we are connecting as a human being, not one above the other? So when we create more pause in our lives, and more mindfulness to ask questions that go beneath the surface, we gain more agency over our emotions.

We actually create a kind of calm oasis. What I’m saying is, we’re already born with everything we need to survive. Let’s just be intentional about using our strengths.

Yana Fry: You mentioned earlier in the interview that you have two children. And before that, you said that in your own family when you were growing up, I guess parents were quite strict in terms of expectations and who they want you to become, the responsibilities you have to fulfil. So how do you feel as a parent? How do you show up to your children?

Karen Leong: I love that question because parenting is one of the most humbling experiences and I’ve learned a lot about myself as a parent. And I think it made me realise how intentional I have to be to bring up my children with a more growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset.

Because a lot of times, efficiency, if we want to motivate the kids to do something, we praise them like, oh, you’re so smart, do this, oh, we become very achievement oriented. So when we praise people for being smart or intelligent or just achieving efficiency, it’s goal oriented.

But We miss the point of helping them to develop their strengths. Now instead of praising my son for intelligence or results, praise him for his qualities. So I would say, Hey, that’s really you. You did this. Or, you didn’t do so well here, but I like how resilient and determined you are.

I think we talk about imposter syndrome. There is nature and nurture. So a lot of Asian parents who are so achievement oriented, might have been unwittingly praising kids for the wrong things. So they always feel that they have They’re supposed to be smarter. They’re supposed to be better, and they’re missing the mark.

But if we shift the lens to look at failure as learning, to look at qualities as what’s going to get you through whatever comes at you in life, then you are raising children who are literally bulletproof. Children who can go the distance no matter what comes their way. So I had to be very intentional about it because it takes me a little bit of pause.

to do that. So it brings me to one more point about imposter syndrome. A lot of times we see it as an individual issue, but It’s actually a cultural issue, an organisational issue. So the way I bring up my kids, the environment and the society, how we communicate and socialise the culture within the family.

It’s more responsible for creating the imposter syndrome or not. So just like in the workplaces, if we create workplaces that are far more inclusive where we celebrate different opinions, we actually tell people it’s great to just thrash things out, put things on the table and share a differing opinion because that’s the gateway to innovation. That’s the gateway to trust. So if we create this, Then imposter syndrome actually eliminates it.

Yana Fry: Karen, thank you so much. It was wonderful to have you on the show today. It was a really fun, deep human conversation. I love it. And I’m sure our audience enjoyed it also very much. I would really appreciate you guys, if you share in the comments your experience.

How did you deal with imposter syndrome? Perhaps some stories you’re going to share. I love reading, at least I do. And as we are starting 2024, just wishing you the most incredible year. So that you’re really clear, especially about who you are and who you want to be as a human being, so that you have more peace, happiness, and fulfilment in your life.

And, of course, we are very grateful to Muse Studio for hosting YanaTV. We love being here. And I deeply appreciate each one of you in our audience. And if you would like to support us even more, please subscribe to the YouTube channel, share this episode with friends, and I’m going to see you next time.