#87 Navigating Conflicts in Relationships – Nicolas Rion

Is it possible to have pain-free relationships? In this episode, we dive deep with Nicolas Rion, a life coach specialising in personal and professional connections. Discover practical insights into managing conflicts, habits of successful relationships, and how to approach difficult conversations. Join us as we explore the keys to building authentic connections and setting clear expectations for your relationships.

Discussion Topics: Navigating Conflicts in Relationships with Nicolas Rion

• Who is Nicolas Rion?
• How do we create a conflict-free relationship?
• How to have a difficult conversation
• The best way to give feedback
• More respect leads to more conflict
• Advice to younger self
• We can survive without relationships, but we cannot thrive
• A simple action to improve your relationship

Transcript: Navigating Conflicts in Relationships with Nicolas Rion

Yana Fry: Welcome to another episode of Timeless Teachings. Today we have Nicolas Rion from Europe, UK actually, joining us today and Nick, I’m so excited to have a conversation with you.

Nick Rion: Hi, Yana. Pleasure to be here.

Yana Fry: And we always start with asking a few questions to our guests to share a little bit about yourselves. So if I were to ask who Nicolas is, then how would you describe?

Who is Nicolas Rion?

Nick Rion: Yes. So I’m a life coach and I specialise in the area of personal and professional relationships. In terms of background, I’ve been coaching for about five years and I’ve been into the corporate world as much as I am self-employed. I come from France, I’m French and I live in London.

I come from a family of wine producers and I build up the skills of building relationships. Through my experience as a son of farmers and through change management as well, which I’ve done quite a lot throughout my career.

And then after that, through personal or professional development. That’s what led me here. Today I’m focusing on relationships because that’s something I’m passionate about. Especially everything around people’s interactions. And lastly the area in particular that I’m in, then I try to help people with, it’s the area of conflicts. I get a mission of making conflicts pain-free. That’s a mission I gave myself. So that’s all linked together with relationships.

Yana Fry: I love the mission and conflicts are often an inevitable part of any relationship. So when you say conflict-free relationship, just share with us, how does it work?

What is a conflict free relationship?

Nick Rion: It’s important to understand that conflict free relationships don’t actually exist. It’s pain free conflicts that I’m aiming for. So that’s suggesting that every relationship is gonna have conflicts. Let’s first of all define what a conflict is.

The deficient definition that I have is basically a disagreement conversation, a debate that goes into something deeper and harder to solve. And because there is an emotional history around it, right?

So a disagreement, people will call it a conflict. I call it just a disagreement. Disagreement can be solved easily. And we usually want those disagreements to be solved quickly. If they escalate, that becomes a conflict. Conflict is painful by definition because it’s emotional. And we try to make sure that the relationship is built from the start to make any conflict easily solvable. So to solve them at the disagreement level.

Yana Fry: The important bit here is that we actually never work on the conflict itself. Obviously with my clients some people come with conflicts to solve and I help them solve them. 

Nick Rion: What I’m trying to do because I always try to work in as sustainable a way as possible. I make sure that for any conflict in the future, they will be able to solve them and it’s not going to escalate. So I give them the tools so that doesn’t happen again. So I work more on prevention. As I said, I help them solve them if they have any, but then I work with them in terms of prevention.

Yana Fry: When you talk about the prevention, which is inevitable, to have conflict in the relating. What is your recent methodology? What is your view? How do you create prevention?

Nick Rion: I built a methodology again through the experience that I’ve had and what worked and what didn’t. And that methodology I call the 10 Habits of Successful Relationships. It’s downloadable on my website for free.

It’s very simple, but if you work on them, then you will get better at building those relationships. Those ten habits I divided into three categories.

Just to make it simpler to explain. The first category is all about self. It’s self-management, self-awareness being aware of your emotions and understanding what’s going on in you, and also being aware of, what your values are, and what your needs are as a human being and then self-management, which is once you’re aware of that, and once you understand that something is triggering you or you are judging because of something that you need then managing that, right? Because when you are having a conversation with someone, If you are invaded in your head, in your mind about your own thoughts about your own emotions, then the conversation is not going to go well.

So how do you manage this here? We don’t talk about avoiding emotions and avoiding your needs. It’s more being aware and then maybe putting them aside or voicing them, right? So it’s all about self-management, okay? That’s all the category of self how you, who you are in, in, in that relationship.

The second category is about the mindset. How do you approach the relationship? So here it’s full of habits like a learning mindset, for example. How do you approach a relationship to learn from your mistakes and from your successes? Instead, the opposite that we know very well is more.

Blaming, for example. Here we’re trying to learn. Okay, so how do we approach the relationship in order to learn something? Assertiveness is very important. How do we make sure our boundaries are respected? How do we engage the other in the relationship? Things like transparency, being all transparent about what we’re trying to achieve.

But also it’s what I call it as well as laying down our cards on the table too, so that everyone knows what we’re trying to achieve and what we think and what we feel. So there is that and there is curiosity, et cetera, et cetera. These are all skills here, habits that we want to develop. In order to improve the way that we approach the relationship, okay, where we build that relationship. And that’s this second category and the third and last category is specific actions.

So in there, there are things like, how do you have a difficult conversation, right? How do you give feedback? And those kinds of things are two examples. That’s the primary example. How do you have a difficult conversation when you need it?

Yana Fry: Yeah, those are very interesting examples. So let’s talk about that. So what is the best way to have a difficult conversation? If we want to have a difficult conversation, for example, most or more often than not difficult conversation will have to happen because we are unhappy about something. It can be something that triggered us or something that doesn’t work into the way relationships are built. The way we approach a difficult conversation is. that approach of curiosity, and transparency. So for example, Oh, this is how I feel about something that you did. This is transparency, vulnerability, and then it’s curiosity. So Nick when it comes to having a difficult conversation, how do you usually advise people to do that?

How to have a difficult conversation?

Nick Rion: There are some frameworks that you can use. Those habits that I mentioned before, are in the mindset. Transparency, curiosity, and engaging the other. It’s all about implementing that basically, but in a, in some kind of more concrete way.

So if we want to have a difficult conversation, usually it’s because something is not going well. In, something didn’t go well, some behaviour that we disagree with. And we need to talk about it. For example, one way you could do this is to say, okay, so this is how I feel right now.

So I’m upset. I’m frustrated. And the reason is that’s the feelings and then why is because behaviour, this is how you behaved and it’s very important that’s to keep to the facts, no judgment, right? Just facts. One example that I like to give is if you have meetings with colleagues and the conversation is with a colleague. And that colleague, for example, arrived late for five meetings in a row. it’s important for you, for everyone to be on time. So you have that conversation. It’s not the way you’re going to have this conversation is not, Oh, you’re always late at meeting, right? It’s not concrete and fact based enough.

So what you’re going to say is okay, this day at that time. You were five minutes late this day and that time you were five minutes late, et cetera. And this is the behaviour that I’m mentioning. Okay. The feeling is that’s what frustrates me. And the impact is that if you keep doing this, I’m going to lose trust.

So again, here you’re being transparent about your feelings about your being assertive. And then you can be curious and you can say, okay, what is the way you’re seeing it? What can I do for you being supportive here, right? What can I do for you? And you can be vulnerable and say this because I really want this relationship to work and I really want us to work together in an effective and powerful way. So how can we work better together? Does that make sense? So it’s all about implementing that.

Yana Fry: And I think it probably also goes like from a non-violent communication, right? There is like in another terminology when you talk about authentic relating, there are quite a few out there right now where people are learning how to relate to each other in a constructive way. And when something pops up, how to get it in a way that benefits everyone and at the same time fundamentally rewires the habit that has been upsetting.

So I think it’s great. So when we talk about feedback, it could be either personal feedback to someone within the family, or professional feedback, at the workplace. So how do you feel is the best way to give feedback to people?

What is the best way to give feedback?

Nick Rion: See, there are many ways of giving feedback. The thing with feedback is that it’s not about being critical. It’s about being constructive, but also about being positive, right? If you want to give feedback, generally it’s because you want that relationship to work and you want the other person to use that as personal or professional development.

Okay? It’s not about, oh this is something that I don’t like. What’s more, this is, if you want something to improve, this is a gift. I’m giving you. Something that you can use or not if you don’t want to. The feedback is about, I’m giving you an opportunity to change this.

Yana Fry: What if the other person, what if the other person doesn’t want this opportunity?

Nick Rion: This is where it can go into assertiveness, assertiveness. If the other person doesn’t want to, this is where you go into a more difficult conversation where you go look, this is the impact that it has on me. And then I need that to change. Feedback is about self-improvement and personal and professional development.

It’s, at the end of the day, it’s their choice. If it has an impact on you, then you need to be assertive about it. If they don’t, then why not be curious? Why is that? Why is it that you’re not interested in, working towards that? Maybe there is a, they don’t agree and they have a different version of it.

Being curious, curiosity is very important, right? Feedback is, you give positive feedback as much as constructive feedback. So this is what I love about what you do. If there’s anything that you would like to, potentially work on and improve for the future, maybe there’s this area and this area and, then this is potentially how you could improve it. Again, this is very important to be concrete, and fact-based and not put any judgment into it.

Yana Fry: If you look at people, it’s interesting how I find them. Probably our generation, Nick, yours, and mine, becoming a bit more aware and mindful of that and trying to do and change things. But I do hear it’s very often that there is also a generational misunderstanding in a way. So even if you’re at the workplace or whether it’s in the family, if people within different generations try to talk to each other, that often leads to all kinds of conflicts.

Nick Rion: What can happen often when you have a difficult conversation or you give feedback you can have a defensive behaviour. It’s a long term thing.

It needs to be built up in the relationship. It’s when I was talking at the beginning about how you prepare the relationship for that’s what it takes. If the person isn’t on the defensive, that means the relationship is not exactly ready to have this type of conversation. Doesn’t mean you can’t have it.

You can, but you know that there will be friction, right? But the more you make the other person get used to being vulnerable, curious , and transparent. If you use all that outside of the conflict of a feedback context you create those habits. And then when you get into that conflict, then it’s going to be easier. If that makes sense.

Yana Fry: Yes. It’s important that each person takes full responsibility for themselves also. And so it’s interesting. Like we say some people might not be ready for certain conversations and they might be ready later, or they might never be ready in this particular lifetime that they have.

And so it’s quite a debate, I think, how far do you want to go with creating actually an environment, right? So where is this line that you draw? And from my experience people who. try too hard, and end up also taking a lot of responsibility, which is not theirs. And so it’s an entirely different dynamic in the relationship.

So it’s just interesting how, like when we look at everything, we look holistically, from all possible degrees.

The more mutual respect, the more conflicts in a relationship

Nick Rion: Yes. It’s a very simple concept. If the level of conflict that you can have in a relationship is only equal to the level of mutual respect and trust that you have in this relationship. So the more mutual respect and trust the harder, the conflict you can have, the stronger, the conflict you can have.

So then if you use that concept, if you know that you don’t have, it’s a feeling at the end of the day, if you see Oh, there’s there’s a respect and there’s trust, but I don’t have that much that I can have that type of conflict that you know that you don’t want to go in there.

Because if you go in there, then that’s gonna, that’s gonna be painful. And the last thing is, at the end of the day, the difference is, the relationship here when you want to build respect and trust, you have to build the relationship consciously. And most of us we build relationships unconsciously, organically, right?

And we need to shift from building relationships organically to building relationships consciously. With those ingredients in, in, in mind.

Yana Fry: Let us make sure we define again clearly so that people also understand. When we say organically, it’s pretty much, it just happens. A relationship just happened this is how we build it and consciously we are mindful step by step of how we are creating it. And using different tools and methodologies, right?

So how we are doing that and probably again Just an example, maybe how our parents or grandparents used to live their lives. It was in your words that you’re saying more relationships just happened. And now we are going more and more into the state where people want to build it consciously and see what is possible.

Nick Rion: Exactly.

Yana Fry: I love all of this. If you were to look at your younger self, What would you like to say to yourself?

Advice to younger self

Nick Rion: The one thing that comes to mind is relax is not that hard. I think when I was a child, I was putting a lot of pressure on myself. I would say, be compassionate towards yourself. You’re gonna, you’re gonna make mistakes. But you’re gonna figure it out bit by bit, and it’s not that complicated.

Yana Fry: And if you were to roll forward and when you become very old at some point, what would you like that version of you to tell you today?

Nick Rion: See, it was worth it. Sometimes we just want relationships to be natural. We don’t want to think about it. We want it to if it starts to be work, then it’s not meant to be

Yana Fry: There are soulmates thinking.

Nick Rion: And my take on this is there is a seed. The seed is emotional, is the connection, is the chemistry that you have between two people. This, you should not think about it. That’s the seed, right? You plant the seed and… It grows, but then the way it’s going to grow, you need to put some effort in it. So don’t force it, right? But then once we are sitting there and you can, you notice it, then make it grow. And then that requires effort, water, sun, tent, tend to, to it.

That’s what relationships are about.

Yana Fry: And whether it is something that, you know, that all those. Social media propaganda about how you might have only one soulmate in life. And God forbid, if you miss it, this is it. You’re doomed for eternity.

look at the Cinderella stories, all the love notebooks, even which I love dealing with all of those highly idealistic stories between people, which never happened in real life for the whole life, the way they are described.

And it is just interesting how. It sets entirely unrealistic expectations in the minds of people, especially the younger generation. And there is a very high level not just of divorces right now, but when I talk to kids in their maybe very early twenties, there is this common thought that no one really wants to commit to a relationship that is too hard, you have to work for it.

Your message and what you do is very important because otherwise, If people are not willing to put that work into the relationship to deepen it, then they’re fundamentally gonna lose out on probably one of the most beautiful things when you have this very authentic, very deep connection with another human being that you created over a lifetime.

We can survive without relationships, but we cannot thrive

Nick Rion: Yes, we are social animals, We thrive with relationships. We get so much out of it. Out of every relationship, like we’re not even talking about romance only.

It’s about friendships. There is love in friendships as well. It contributes to it so much and it helps so much because we find ourselves in others.

And yes, we can survive without relationships, but we get so much out of it that it’s such a shame. not to make the most of them, especially because it’s not that hard. Once you understand, once you have, this understanding of what self awareness means, what vulnerability means, what assertiveness means, and how to put that, work on that continuously throughout your life, you don’t have to be perfect at it, just keep working on it.

It’s not that difficult.

Yana Fry: And let’s maybe end our conversation today with something we can ask our audience to actually do like a simple. Inspirational action that they can take after listening or watching this. What would you ask them to do, Nick?

A simple action to improve your relationship

Nick Rion: There’s a certain thing about depth and breadth of relationships.

We need both. We need depth and breadth. Absolutely. Is this relationship broad and does it give me a lot of fun, but also critical thinking like sports activities, anything does bring me a lot of things that I like, but it’s not.

Deep. And is this relationship deep? It doesn’t take my breath away, but that’s fine too. Just having a kind of understanding of all that helps with expectations, because sometimes we can get frustrated by saying, Oh, this. This relationship doesn’t give me what I want, but actually, it does, and it’s fine. I can get something else from another relationship.

Does that make sense? So having clear expectations about our relationships and dividing them with breadth D and depth is a good way of doing it.

Yana Fry: Thank you so much, Nicolas. It was a beautiful conversation. It was both. It was deep and wide. So to everyone who is listening or watching right now, go ahead and just, spend some time in self-inquiry and checking in with yourself and the relationships that you have with people around you. I just thank you for joining us during the interview today. Remember to subscribe to everything and share with friends. And with another guest.

Nick Rion: Thank you very much, Yana. It was a pleasure to be here and have this conversation with you.

Our Guest: Nicolas Rion

Nicolas Rion is a Personal and Professional Relationship Coach who supports individuals to build strong, healthy and sustainable relationships. Nicolas started coaching in 2017, and has trained with one of the world’s leading coaching schools,the Co-Active Training Institute, accredited by the International Coaching Foundation (ICF). Nicolas is also trained in Nonviolent Communication, a framework for resolving conflict through empathy, honesty, strength and compassion.