YT34 | This woman lived through domestic abuse, cancer, surrogacy and still found happiness and peace

This month we are showcasing inspirational women with interesting stories! Today it is a story of a woman, who turned a journey of pain and despair into a story of resilience and hope. 

Meet Chandni, whose life transformed after moving to Singapore from India. From confronting domestic violence and surviving cancer to embracing motherhood through surrogacy, Chandni’s tale is a testament to the power of perseverance and the strength of the human spirit. 

Chandni shares how she rebuilt her life, highlighting the importance of financial independence, the support of social media in forming new friendships, and the role of surrogacy in fulfilling her dream of motherhood. Tune in for a story of courage, change, and the unwavering quest for self-identity!

Discussion Topics: This woman lived through domestic abuse, cancer, surrogacy and still found happiness and peace

• Who is Chandni? – Her journey as a cancer and domestic violence survivor who embraced surrogate motherhood, starting her new life in Singapore.
• Moving to Singapore as a trailing spouse – From career changes to building friendships during COVID-19.
• How did Chandni escape domestic violence – Escaping her abusive first marriage, the societal backlash against divorce in India, and her path to liberation.
• What was Chandni’s battle with cancer like – Her diagnosis and fight against non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and the crucial support from her parents and family.
• Why Chandni chose surrogacy – Her journey towards motherhood, including the decision to pursue surrogacy amid fertility challenges.
• How did surrogacy challenge societal norms – The emotional and societal challenges of choosing surrogacy over traditional childbirth.
• What does motherhood mean to Chandni – The joy and challenges of motherhood through surrogacy.
• Chandni’s insights on friendship, resilience, and the importance of moving forward, regardless of past adversities.

Transcript: This woman lived through domestic abuse, cancer, surrogacy and still found happiness and peace

Chandni: People need to now understand that you want a baby, move on. If it’s not happening naturally, Come on, go on to the next step. Try your IUIs, try your IVFs. If it’s not happening, it’s okay to go in for adoption, and it is really okay to go in for surrogacy, whatever your path is.

Yana: Hi, my name is Yana and you’re watching YanaTV. Today we will hear a story of a woman who dealt with so much adversity. He’s a cancer survivor, domestic violence survivor, and a person who decided to go for surrogate motherhood for her baby. Chandi, 

Chandni: So, let’s, let’s begin from the very beginning since again we are in Singapore. When did you come to Singapore? So, I’m really a trailing spouse. My husband was already in Singapore. So, we got married and I shifted here. With

Yana: From India? 

Chandni: In India before in Bombay and then I shifted to Singapore.

Yana: I would like to ask, what was your biggest challenge when you came to Singapore as a trailing spouse?

Chandni: So there’s a lot, I think your whole life overall changes. For me, I got married and I came. So you’re dealing with a new life there. And then a new country. So the challenges that I basically faced were two. One was professional, where I had to entirely change my professional line.

So I have been a makeup artist in the past, but I was more on the corporate side and then when I came U.S. I was practising makeup and hair as an artist after a very long, very difficult, but I think I’ve, I’ve done a fine job for myself. I’m happy with where I am and the second one is on the personal front.

I think just building new friendships. You need to have friends where you live and as you grow up in life, it gets more difficult with age. So I think that took me some time and COVID was of no help. So overall, these two were the main challenges, but now we’re all good. I’m happy.

Yana: How did you actually manage to succeed in both of them? How did you build a friendship in a new country, for example?

Chandni: Thanks to social media, actually. So I started following a lot of people on Instagram and on Facebook and there are some amazing expat groups in Singapore. So, just like me, there were so many more expat women who wanted to just meet new people.

So there used to be these coffee dates and like ten of us used to meet. You meet ten people, you get along with two and you start chilling with them and then you meet their friends and more like-minded people. I literally made friends like that. and it took me some time. But then you find your groove and you find your tribe and, and you’re happier.

Yana: That’s very important and professionally.

Chandni: Professionally, I think again, I got in touch with people through Instagram and I did a lot of collaborations. I think the idea of these collaborations is to just get connected to new people. Let everyone know, that you exist and it is hard work. Like, you can’t sit at home and cry that, oh my God, I’m not getting any job. Or, Oh, I’m not getting any friends. All of it requires a lot of steps. Just keep trying, keep trying and then, I think, The ball starts rolling.

Yana: When people think about expats, always sort of have this image of having a very glamorous life. When here you are, you’re in a different country, you’re invited, you’re treated, very special. And so thank you for sharing that. I know that a lot of actually, especially trailing spouses are suffering with the relocation because it is very difficult you have to rebuild your life all over again. But then in your case, this is not the only diversity you dealt with. So, this is your second marriage, right? In India, there was the first one. Can you tell us a bit more about that one, please?

Chandni: I think it was a while ago, it’s been about, I think, good seven years that I’m out of it. I got married to a guy who, basically was a conman and didn’t realize it. I think when you’re in love, you just want to go ahead and be with the person. It turned out to be a very abusive marriage. So it was all forms of abuse. Mental, physical, and sexual. I mean, all of it put together. I think when you’re in it, you do not know you start living it because you think it’s the norm.

Also in India, the idea of divorce is not taken really well. We don’t grow up with the idea of like, if it’s not working out, this is an option. Divorce typically is never an option in India. Things are changing now. My parents are very chill. They did realize that their daughter was suffering and I had the support of a family, which is a big one. I was independent financially which was a big one and it still took me a year to realize that this is not okay. Any form of abuse is not okay. Not once, not twice, never. 

Yana: So anything around domestic abuse, and particularly divorces, in most cultures are not really acceptable. And like I know for a fact, and I think you and I, especially, There are a lot of women, including in India who stay married not just because they are unhappy, but because they are in an abusive relationship and they just don’t dare to get out because social pressure is so strong.

Chandni: Social pressure is strong. I think a lot of women stay in it because they’re not financially independent a lot of times women are dependent on their husbands, at least in India. It’s normal. It’s, I mean, I don’t question them. It’s great if they can live a good life without working.

But I really think one needs to be financially independent. The second one I think is, we grow up to believe that you need to take care of the family, you need to take care of the husband, you need to compromise. Your marriage is a compromise. And I think compromise is such a big topic by itself.

So I also feel like, we grow up to believe that we need to compromise but what we don’t realize that, as women, is that you don’t need to compromise on your own self esteem, your self respect, your identity.

Let someone not decide what your identity is and in this whole abuse, trust me, when you’re in it, you are not, you don’t know what the hell is going on with you. Like, you’re just living it. You’re just trying to accept what has just happened. You’re trying to understand that, oh my God, did I just go through this form of abuse?

What do I do about it? Let me just cry it out in the bathroom. Come out I need to be normal for the in-laws. I need to be normal for the world. And you’re just trying to live that whole abuse situation that you forget in the process that all of this is not okay. Anything, any form of abuse is not okay.

Sometimes women end up living their lives. Like that because they have children involved and their parents are like, no, you cannot come back to our house so I think it’s You need to overall it for me. It comes down to financial independence Where it becomes easier if my family is not with me, you know, forget it I still get out and I live happily with my kids or by myself.

Yana: Thank you for sharing that. I know it’s a huge topic everywhere around the world and I know more about companies and initiatives that try to help women in those domestic abuse situations. So I’m sorry you had to live through that and at the same time, congratulations for having enough courage to actually challenge also social status quo. There are so many examples of women who are in a domestic violence situation and that becomes the story for decades and decades. And often they never get out or even if they do get out, they feel highly traumatized, which is also normal. But then often it’s very hard to rebuild life.

Chandni: It’s a lot of trauma and, all the women who are, fighting the abuse or getting divorced, like it is a difficult phase, but you really need to put yourself together and Get out of it.

You know, like I, I can have my parents, my family, my friends, and everyone telling me it’ll be okay. They can support me in every way possible. But by the end, it comes down to yourself. Uh, work on yourself, work on your confidence, and you have to learn to feel good.

just by yourself. I think that’s a big one for the trauma. Uh, so what happened next with me is, I got out and within five months, I started feeling really sick actually just before being separated. And, I’m very strong on intuitions. So I knew I’m falling sick. And I could feel it.

And I told my mom a month Before I was diagnosed with cancer, that, uh, Mama, I really feel my body’s telling me I have cancer, and she thought I was crazy. And I’m like, no, just be prepared, because this is going to happen. I saw it coming. I felt my body really sick. And six months in, almost, uh, to being separated, I was, uh, diagnosed with non Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and pretty much in its last stages.

Of course.

yeah, and it was very randomly, Diagnosed by one x ray on my mother’s birthday, uh, back in my hometown. I’d gone to, you know, celebrate with her and on her birthday, I got this news. So, it was hell. I mean, to say the least, my, my parents, I don’t know how they dealt with it. I, I broke down, obviously. Um, it was a very, very difficult time for the entire family.

And, um, I think within few days of me just

being diagnosed, they had to start the treatment else I would not survive it. Um, it was very difficult. Um, I went through six, um, chemotherapy sessions. Um, they tried a new, um, treatment on me because it was so, like, it was really spreading and all of that. And, um, I almost lost my life after the first round of chemo. It was just like, everything was just not happening, uh, correctly, and then, um, but in this whole thing, the one constant pillar that I had was my parents, and, 

the love that I got from my parents really was All that motivated me to try and live, you know, like live through the chemo, which, which isn’t easy.

Live through the septic shock that I had after the first round of chemo, which very few people survive. I was in the hospital in isolation. So it was all very difficult, but like I think one step at a time. You need to take one day at a time and

uh,

start moving forward and with all, all help of your family.

Yana: I don’t even know what to say, you know, it’s like one of those, uh, one of those stories where you would say, yes, sorry, it happened to you, but you know, but the words can’t really justify that.

Chandni: you know, when someone tells me, Oh, I’m so sorry, you’re a survivor. I’m like, why are you sorry? I’m, I’m right here, sitting, touch wood, all healthy. I mean, don’t be sorry for me. Uh, be there for me. 

Yana: help me spread my story. Because if I do that, if I manage to help even one more person going through it, I feel like I’ve done something right in life.

And so, if you were to say a message now, perhaps to at least one person who might be going through this right So what would you say? 

Chandni: It is anything but easy. Um, You know, chemotherapy, the first, I think one of the first things that happens with chemo medicines is depression. You know, and to top it all, you’re physically, you change your, you lose your hair.

I mean, I lost all my hair, my, my brows, every, every, all my hair. Um, my teeth got darker, my skin got four, five shades darker, my nails were black. Like, and you’re not allowed to meet people half the time because you’re so low on your immunity. Like, all in all, it’s not a great situation. But you’ve got to find your groove even there and heal in some way.

way.

So I was doing art therapy, which helped me a lot. Like, for eight hours, I would just sit down and, like, do pen art. I mean, anyone else who would see me would think I’m crazy, but seven, eight hours, I would keep doing that. I started following a healthy diet right then, because anything which helps me in my energy is good at that time, because you’re low on energy.

You’re low on life, but just keep strong, and the biggest lesson I learned in this whole thing is don’t refuse help from family. You know, we, once we start growing up, we get very awkward if your mother comes and helps you.

Or your dad offers help or your brother or your sister offer help after a few days you’re like, oh no, like why am I, am I troubling them? Am I taking too much time of their life? Let you take all their time. Let you take all the help. Like just take it and work on healing yourself and be positive. Very difficult, but it’s possible.

Yana: And you’re an example of that, right? We don’t really know 100 percent yet why some people have cancer. They’re all kind of serious about it. But I think you did mention that sort of at the back of your mind, you did have a thought that perhaps it was also like a residual effect of all those years of abusive relationship because not only just the relationship itself, but all the suppressed emotions and conflicts and mental inner fight within yourself and physical fights and so definitely contributes to this. So I feel it’s one of the reasons why it is so important to actually take control of your life.

And if you are not in the right situation, or especially, again, if you’re in abusive situation, it’s, it’s, you have to get out. It’s like your own right, it is your life, it is your body, it is your mind. So you are the one who need take control over it.

Chandni: Yes, um, you know when you’re in a situation like this, you end up manifesting the wrong.

Um,

and I can’t harp enough on that word manifest, I used to first think like, what rubbish is this, you know, like, what is this manifestation that people keep talking about. But trust me, like when I was going through it, every morning when I woke up and I’m like, oh my god, this is the situation I’m in, god, like.

let me fall sick. Like, I don’t want to live. Like, every day if you’re saying the same thing, like, there has to be a point your body listens to you. Forget God listening to you, your body starts listening to you. And, um, you won’t believe it, Yana, when I went to my, uh, oncologist, who, who was going to design my whole treatment, he literally asked me only one question when I met him.

He’s like, is there something going on in your personal life? Is there any stress? And I told him, yes, I am going through an abusive marriage. And he’s like, well, that is one of the reasons for this. Because, like, I was a healthy person. There was no reason. Um, of course, cancer happens to randomly to anyone, but in my case, I truly believe I manifested it upon myself.

I Um, I also am a very big believer of karma. Um, I might sound crazy to some, but then I feel like in my life, I went through I, I was always listening to my parents, with them, with family, but I did go against them when I married my, you know, my first marriage, was a little against my family.

So I feel like I had to, uh, go through this journey in order to cut out all the bad karma in this lifetime of mine. So I feel like the manifestation and karma together, I’m like, I’m a clean slate now. I’m ready to move on.

And

And that’s why I truly believe that my husband now, Abhishek, who I know since I’m seven years old, I feel my soul had to go through this entire journey to end up being with Abhishek, who is truly my soul partner.

truly

So I believe in the circle of life. I really believe in manifestation and I so believe in

Yana: in the circle of life. I

really believe in manifestation and I so believe in karma. In general around the world, it is not that common still, particularly in Asia, there is another element of taboo around it. And, uh, people probably rather go for adoption than surrogate motherhood.

And you did it also in India out of

countries,

which is very traditional in that sense. So tell us more about that.

Chandni: So, um, obviously the next step of marriage in my head with my husband was, um, having a baby.

I mean, and we know each other for so long. So within no time marriage, we were like, okay, it’s time to. plan the next step and we were trying and everything but and and why I’m bringing this up is because there’s so many women trying right so we did our rounds of IUIs and everything but because of chemotherapy everything’s fine but like my body was weak to have a baby like to do the whole nine month process and

uh,

while I was going through all of this my father in law one day called me up and he’s like Why are you troubling your body so much?

Like, just go in for surrogacy. And, um, I mean, I really have really cool in laws. Let’s begin with that. Like, no father in law otherwise calls up and says something like this. So, he gave me this idea. And, uh, my first reaction was, I cried it out. Because as a woman, I think the, the womanhood is all about giving birth to kids and babies, right?

Like, so

That’s what society 

Yana: tells us. what society

tells 

Chandni: exactly. So then I was just like crying and I’m like, Oh my God, I can’t do this and everything. But you know what, like, and I think with my whole experiences, I’ve just learned to switch off emotionally on certain things.

I literally, it takes me a while to get there. But once I switch off, I switch off. So, in this case, I switched off emotionally, that, on the idea of me having the baby.

Yana: You you carrying the child, right?

Chandni: carrying the child, right? So, physically carrying the child. So, I’m like, okay, fine.

Now, what’s the next step? Now, India banned commercial surrogacy a couple of months ago. So, when we came up with this idea, I only had, like, three months or something to decide, okay, I want to go in for it. So, it had to be very quick.

So we

rushed to India, we did my round of IVF, and we just started the treatment.

Like, did I think that I will be a surrogate mother? Uh, I mean, go through surrogacy? Never. Uh, did I think of adoption? Yes. A lot of times. Uh, but I felt like people around me weren’t very comfortable with that idea. So then I tried IVF. Now, it didn’t work.

Uh,

I am not someone who sits and keeps crying over the fact that Oh, I’m not having a baby.

What do I do? What do I do? I know couples who go on for like 8-9 years Also destroys marriages.

Yeah, destroys marriages, gets people depressed. Um, there’s, you know like, I think people need to now understand that there is, you want a baby, move on. If it’s not happening naturally, Come on, like, go on to the next step.

Try your IUIs, try your IVFs If it’s not happening, it’s okay to go in for adoption, and it is really okay to go in for surrogacy, whatever your path is, you know? Uh, if you plan to not have a child at all, which a lot of people want to not do that, it’s fine. I just feel like, don’t sit and brood over it and like, keep crying over it.

Um, it doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t help the situation at all.

we rushed to India, and my doctor’s like, Do you wanna go in for your area? Because I mean, you can have your own DNAI said, sure, let’s do it. I mean, it all worked out,

Yana: Which is also great news, right? before, not all of them were working out. So it’s great that you actually collected enough material for

Chandni: I, I did all my bit and um, that’s what I have a very healthy, very cute baby. Uh, who is totally emotionally attached to me. He knows I am his mother, Abhishek is his father. Uh, and why I say that is because, I probably cried every second day through the journey of us being pregnant, that, you know, I used to tell my mom, I used to tell my husband, what if I’m not connected to the

baby? What

if, uh, the baby doesn’t feel like I’m his, uh, mother, or will I feel love? Will I, will I have the connect? 

But yeah, now when I saw him, it, it Every wrong thought, every negative thought jumped out of the window and I’m like, this is my child. He’s a replica of my husband. Um, and it’s amazing. Motherhood is amazing. However you have your baby, guys, like, it’s an amazing journey.

Thank you 

Yana: for sharing that.

Thank you.

How is your family now feeling about where you are in your life and with everything?

Chandni: I’m very happy. That’s what I mean. Everyone’s so happy. Um My husband’s been a very, very big support to me, Anna. Um, I remember when he was marrying me, I took him to my oncologist, and I’m like, this man’s gonna marry me, you need to tell him whether I, I can have kids or not, because he needs to know beforehand, right?

Like, that’s the right thing to do. And he’s like, yeah, yeah, you’ll be able to have, like, there’s no problem. And then it didn’t work out like that, right? Um, for all, for whatever reasons. So I feel like through the whole journey, he’s been my, support, like my pillar. That guy is rock solid on my side. And, um, so are my parents and so are his parents.

And this, this whole journey’s been amazing.

awesome. good.

Yana: to look back at everything that happened, I mean, you’re still, still a relatively very young life.

Yes.

All the events you had to live through and, yeah, I mean, there’s difficulties in the relationships and drama and abuse and pretty much facing death so closely several times and depression and everything else. Um. Yeah. What do you feel was the main lesson for you out of all of 

Chandni: Um, I think one thing that really happened with me, Anna, is I lost a lot of friends in the process. Um. So, a lesson out of that is that no one in your life is permanent. Um, you, and it’s emotionally really not great. Like, I lost a whole lot of friends when I got divorced. I 

Yana: wasn’t

Chandni: I wasn’t washing dirty linen in public. So, here I am, like, suddenly I wake up in the morning to people not talking to me. Because the other side had told them a story to make them look good.

And I didn’t care after a point because I’m like, everyone will know the truth. It happened. Three years later, most of them called me up, apologized, but I mean, someone who’s bitten me once, I’m not gonna go back to them. 

I think that was a big takeaway.

I remember one of my closest friends, I met her, and she was like, you, you’re not the same again, Chandni, like, I, I don’t, I don’t understand what’s wrong with you, and I’m like, dude, I went through hell. I’m, I’m trying to understand my own self.

I understand that you’re not getting me because I’m not getting myself, you know? So, uh, hold on. Like, let’s give it some time. So I think the whole lesson for me was nothing’s permanent. Um, be okay to lose out on people in the process. I mean, we all do. 

So when someone asks me, how did you survive? How did you all of this? I’m like, what other option did I have? I mean, I had to move forward.

I can’t sit and like, be like, okay, fine, like I’m ready to die. I’m obviously not ready to die. But, um, or I’m not ready to like, you know, live in that situation. So you just have to learn to move forward. Be strong and just keep moving forward.

Yana: Thank you so much. And that was Chan Misako on YanaTV. As you can see, a woman with a phenomenal story. I’m still processing everything that you just shared. And for those of you who have been listening and watching this, and if you would like to see more, Say words of encouragement and support to Chandni.

Please absolutely do this in the comments. I think it’s very important that we all connect as humans and we understand and feel that we are seen and understood in our stories. And we are very happy to be at Muse studio, who is hosting Kiana TV. And guys, please remember, subscribe to the podcast and share this episode with friends.

And I’m going to be seeing you next time.

Chandni: I’m only human. I’m also doing surrogacy for

really 

Yana: only human. After all. Your story, I’m not sure. I think you look a super human, but, thank you,